Generations in Session

Choose Power Over Control: Building Effective Boundaries

• Path Positive • Season 1 • Episode 6

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Ever catch yourself trying to script someone else’s behaviour and calling it a boundary? We unpack why that backfires and show a cleaner path: choosing your response instead of chasing control. From heated arguments to work emails after hours, we walk through real moments where policing sneaks in, then replace it with boundary plans that lower anxiety and raise self-respect.

We start with crystal-clear definitions—policing dictates others to soothe our feelings; boundaries define our actions when lines are crossed. That shift changes everything. You’ll hear practical language for respectful redirects, ways to practise boundaries like procedures, and a simple debrief method to learn from slip-ups without spiralling into shame. We also explore work–life separation with concrete rituals: bookending your day, door-closing cues for remote work, clothing changes, and short transition walks that help you switch hats with intention.

Relationships get special focus. We talk about asking for what you need without scripting your partner, spotting love in their natural style, and avoiding the fairness trap that turns kindness into a scoreboard. Conflict becomes conversation when you bring 100–100 effort, patience, and a backup plan for the inevitable misses. Throughout, we reframe anxiety as a signal, not a verdict—fuel you can use to act in line with your values, even when the room runs hot.

If you’re ready to reclaim personal power, communicate with clarity, and build boundaries that stand up in real life, this one’s for you. Listen, share it with someone who needs less policing and more peace, and tell us what boundary you’ll practise this week. Subscribe for more grounded tools and leave a review to help others find the show.

The conversations in this podcast are for informational and educational purposes only. While we explore clinical topics, nothing shared here should be taken as medical or therapeutic advice or used as a substitute for professional mental health care. Everyone’s journey is unique—if you’re struggling, we encourage you to reach out to a qualified therapist or healthcare provider.

If you’d like more personalized support or qualified therapy, you can connect with us at Path Positive.

SPEAKER_02:

Welcome to Podcast Six, Generations in Session.

SPEAKER_00:

A Path Positive podcast.

SPEAKER_01:

Woo-woo.

SPEAKER_00:

Today we're gonna be kind of, I think, expanding a little bit on the last episode, but also standing on its own, focusing more on the topic of boundaries and policing.

SPEAKER_02:

Yep. Yep, pretty hot topic, and something that I spend some time teaching to my clients. I think as a society we have it wrong. So let's kick it off, Kaelin. Do you want to do boundaries or policing? How would you like which would you like to define?

SPEAKER_00:

Policing is when we try and dictate somebody else's actions to suit our own narratives. So it's something where because we feel a certain way, we tell someone that they're not allowed to act in that way because it violates our personal beliefs or um yeah, or upsets us or frustrates us or makes us angry.

SPEAKER_02:

This this is tough for my clients to get because although you have the right to communicate to someone what it is you need, we do not have the power to command them. So, hey, when you're talking to me next time, could you try and say it in a specific tone or not quite so loud or a little less loud? And um, so what we're doing is we're dictating terms. And I think that in today's society, we often confuse this with boundaries. So to be crystal clear, that is not boundaries, that is policing.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, so what would you describe boundaries as?

SPEAKER_02:

So a boundary is how I will respond or react when someone steps over a line that I've put in place for myself. So let's go back to the example we were just talking about. Let's say someone's yelling at you, and my personal boundary is not to be yelled at. So I've decided if that happens, I am going to step away, I'm gonna walk away, I'm gonna put my shoes on, I'm going to leave, I'm going to try a respectful redirect. Hey, can you try that a different volume? Hey, I'm trying to listen. It's too hard for me to hear. What we're not doing is we're not telling people their emotion. So, i.e., you seem really upset and very frustrated right now. What's wrong with you?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, no, I completely agree with your definition of boundaries. I think it's important to clarify that it's sort of like setting up your rules of engagement. This is something related not to the other person, but towards yourself. And when you look at them both, it can be somewhat easy to confuse for a lot of people, especially at first when we're trying to learn the difference. Yeah. And I think the most important difference here is a boundary is your action. So it's related to what you are going to do when someone does something that does not align with your expectations and the rules that you have set. Whereas policing is expecting other people to act in ways that align with how you want them to be acting so that it doesn't bother you or your emotions.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. And we sometimes confuse that when we tell people we love how to respond and react as a test. So we measure whether or not they actually love us. If you loved me, you would respond in this way. Sometimes we say it out loud to them, and sometimes we just repeat it in our head. And that is not, that's not really a fair test at all. Because although we have the power to choose who will be in our life, we do not have the power to dictate how people need to act. So you and I have been talking a whole bunch about scripting and writing stories. And you know, this isn't a Hollywood production. You don't get to hand the lines to somebody else. They are allowed to be authentically themselves. I mean, kind is better, caring is wonderful. And if you are with a person who you feel is unkind, then that is something that you need to decide how you want to move forward through.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, you know, it's uh it's interesting because a boundary truly is again, as we said, it's the way you choose to react to a situation when someone is overstepping. So it leads to a lot of different situations when we try to upset and enforce our specific boundaries. And uh one of the interesting things that I find with boundaries is that they're highly different between people. So it's not necessarily something that has to be consistent for every person in your life. There are often people who are gonna have very different boundaries with you than you would with others. For example, a family member you may feel comfortable with hugging them or you know, saying goodbye, sort of these different things, whereas with a stranger, it might be something that you're not comfortable with. And it's okay to set different boundaries with different people, it's just about trying to keep some level of consistency in the way we're setting our boundaries. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_02:

Why consistency?

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, fair deal.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, so different boundaries for different people, absolutely. And I know that probably some of our listeners are thinking, man, that seems radically unfair. I should be able to tell somebody what I think and they should be able to listen. But ironically, what setting a boundary does is that gives you the power to handle any situation that comes at you. Because you always know how you will respond when someone does something that you deem is inappropriate. Where we're policing people, we're giving our power away. Because we walk into a space and do a lot of, well, I hope they listen. I hope no one says anything. I hope that this doesn't come up. I hope. And it's like, well, it's good to hope, but not particularly uh in this in this situation, because that is very high anxiety provoking when we're doing the what-ifs as opposed to the what is. And uh boundary is a what is. This is what will happen when this comes up.

SPEAKER_00:

It's like playing a game of Monopoly. You know, there's a set of rules on the board, it's very specific. These are the things that will happen if you decide to do this.

SPEAKER_02:

Yep.

SPEAKER_00:

And these are the responses that will occur.

SPEAKER_02:

So the rest of my family would say, probably unless they're playing Monopoly with you, Kaelin. And then every once in a while we change the rules. Um, maybe that was when you were really young. Uh just the competitive in you coming out, but perhaps. But good point, right? That it is about understanding how to respond and react. Boundaries is an important part of communication and power, your own power, not having power over people, but power over yourself and how you react. It is something that we do around standard operating procedures. So when we're in an emergency situation, we know how to respond. So think about it like firefighters. So firefighters practice often in order to know what procedure they're going to follow when they go into a building. And um, because their fight and flight is activated, their ability for higher reasoning is shut off, which I always felt like was a genetic error. But I guess it doesn't matter if you go right or left as long as you just run. But at the at the end of the day, because they're able to practice so much, they don't question it. So it becomes routine. And making a boundary routine is going to require practice, and it's also going to require a really good assessment. So you'll know when someone's crossed the line because you'll feel it.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Right? Did you want to carry that point any further or well?

SPEAKER_00:

Maybe one of the questions that sort of comes to mind, and just based on you know what you hear in social media nowadays, I think it'd be smart for us to I don't know if we want to pivot into that now and just quickly chat about, you know, some of the ways that I find boundaries come up in social media. Sure, I'd love that. Yeah. So um since I have so much social media. So much.

SPEAKER_02:

So much or none, you know, whatever.

SPEAKER_00:

So with social media, one of the things that does seem to come up a lot is trying to think of some good examples. Well, uh, one common one that we talk about both in research and a lot of research is on, and also I've seen in social media, is the idea of setting a boundary for work-life balance.

unknown:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

So, how do we distinguish between being in work mode and coming home and being into a personal mode? So, what sort of feedback would you have for someone looking to maybe find a way to make more balance? And would you say that represents the same style of boundary that we've been talking about, or is it something something a little bit different?

SPEAKER_02:

I think that it probably fits because it is part of how you want to operate in the world. So boundaries with work are uh a little bit we talked about in our burnout um podcast. So it's about setting if if there is physical difference, let's say you get up and go to work, it's often easier to put good boundaries in place. Write yourself an email for the next day on what needs to be achieved, or have a to-do list before you leave the office. Let that be the first thing that you read before you come in. If you are in your house, you can use the same tool as well where you're bookending your day. So you know when you start and you know when you finish. It's easier to set yourself up in the same type of consistent time frame. So there's a pro and a con to every choice. Some people really enjoy working from home. They like to get up, they like to be able to throw laundry in and do that kind of thing, and then they work later into the night. The hard part about that is that you're blending things that you would traditionally not blend. So being more specific with your schedule is helpful. Not saying that when you take a lunch break, you couldn't throw laundry in, but I am probably saying you shouldn't be doing it when you're doing regular hours if you want to have the fine divide. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So, you know, it's being somewhat intentional with what your time is and what you're focused on in that moment. Um, and one of the things that also sort of comes up for people looking to build more of that distinction between ending work and starting not work, starting regular life again, uh, is how do I do that when I work from home? And there are a few key tips that sort of come to mind, and a lot of it's around finding ways to separate space and separate time. So, as you were saying, having specific time blocks where this is a work window and this is not a work window. And for people who have a bit more space available, one of the recommendations I'd give is have an office that you use for work if the space is there, and use that exclusively for when you're doing work-related things. So when you leave, you can close the door and it's like leaving the office. And one of the other things that I often recommend is change your clothes when you're done. You know, maybe it's a bit more laundry, sure. But come out, change your clothes, and it's like a deshedding of the work skin and going back into regular life.

SPEAKER_02:

Apparently, we like laundry because that's the theme here. But um, yeah, really great. Something else that I would recommend is a physical break, meaning, you know, when you're driving home, you're in the car by yourself. So you're not at work and you're not at home, so you haven't actually transitioned yet. Or if you're on the train, go train or bus. So put your shoes on and go for a walk. And I know that um the parents of small children are like, yeah, really, stellar example is, but it's important that you transition from being somebody's boss or employee to being somebody's parent because they're different hats that you that you put on, and you need a moment in there for yourself. If you're sitting at home, you have used your brain the whole day. So, in order to recharge it, getting up and going for a walk will not only allow you to change the page, it will allow you to be more prepared to be a parent.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so it funny enough, in sociology, they have that very similar concept of the idea of multiple identities and different hats. So it's this in different realms of life or different areas, we have different expectations and obligations and different responsibilities. And it sort of changes depending on every environment we're in. You know, in one space at work, I may wear the hat of a boss, but at home you can be a parent out at the grocery store, you can just be a customer, and it's sort of this idea that we will shift our behavior somewhat depending on the situation that we're in.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah. You know, and dovetailing back into boundaries. A boundary is about determining how you will react and respond. And it's not just about setting time, although setting time is important, it's about dictating your response and your replies and who you want to be when you're that parent. How do I want to behave when my three-year-old is having an absolute meltdown? And how do I want to react and deal with that? The truth is, you're gonna get that wrong. We're gonna get that wrong a whole bunch. And being kind and looking back and figuring out okay, at what point did the wheels come off of me being an adult and me turning into the three-year-old with my three-year-old? So it is like, what am I going to do differently? So, what was I feeling inside? Was I tired? Was I hungry? Was I overstimulated? Was I focusing on the fact that this little bugger was doing it to me on purpose? Which I know it feels that way, but it's not not possible that they were, you were just simply in the way of something they wanted. Did you want to add more to that, hon?

SPEAKER_00:

There's nothing coming to mind.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, so I'll keep going then. So um the recap at the end of the day, when you experience something that you're not proud of, is about dissecting what the cause was, not the reason. Like, how do I want to say this? What the cause was. Was I tired? Was I hungry? Was I overstimulated, understimulated, was I in a rush? Did I feel like I needed to transition the child from one thing to the next? Did I feel like I was on stage? And the next time that situation comes up, try something different.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it's sort of like how we've talked about before. You know, what actions am I taking to be the person that I want to be? And you know, while it's important to try and act in ways that align with the person we want to be, it can also sometimes be important to when we slip up from being that person we want to be, as you're saying, looking back at the internal reasons that were going on and finding a new plan to adapt in the future. So, like setting a boundary and coming up with a way to respond, we're gonna figure out what it is that we want it to look like and our life to look like in the expectations that we hold for ourselves and the situations that we're willing to put ourselves in and moving forward from there.

SPEAKER_02:

You know, it's really important when we make a mistake that we don't spend a whole bunch of time beating ourselves up. So if you want to get upset with yourself for not being kind, set a timer, do it for like two minutes, two minutes long time to beat yourself up. And then at the end of that, it's like, okay, so to honor this mistake that I've made, I'm choosing to learn. So, what can I learn? What can I do? Because if you spend the rest of the night beating yourself up, you are destined to repeat your mistake again because you didn't learn your lesson. Try and learn it as quickly as possible. So our job is not to be perfect, it's to learn, to be curious about who we are, to try different things, and to retain our ability to respond and react in a way we're proud of. Boundaries are a key part of trade emotional intelligence. Because if you don't know how you will respond when someone infringes on something you believe in, you will likely react in a way that you're not proud of.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it's just it's a way of setting yourself up for success. You know, of similar idea, but not necessarily boundary-related. When it comes to setting yourself up for success, it's those little steps that we take to prepare for something that's going to or may happen. So setting a boundary is one of those. Here's my action plan for this situation. You know, sometimes we prepare for other things. You know, at night we may pre-pack our bag or pull out our clothing for the next day because we know the next day, and when we run into that situation, we will feel so much more comfortable and happy with the person who did bring out their clothing than we are with waking up in the morning and going, oh, that night person, they really didn't bring any of my stuff out, did they?

SPEAKER_02:

That little bugger.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Yeah. You know, and I think that that is an important piece of how we start to define and redefine the world. There is a ton of stuff we are not in control of. We do not get to control the circumstances that happen to us, only the way we respond. And getting to know yourself a bit better and acknowledging your emotions. So when you're feeling angry or agitated and you react and then you start writing that story in your head, it's a really good time to pause. So something I say to clients all the time is that if you are proud of the action you've taken, you're not going to write a backstory. But if you've done something you're upset about, you're going to try and explain it away. I only yelled at you because you made me mad. I only got upset because you did this to me. And the truth is, as soon as you start building that defense in your brain, your body's going, okay, you've done something you're not proud of.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, but also I find building that defense is it's sort of like giving your power away. Yeah, it is. What it is that you chose to do in that situation, you know, it's okay to look back at a situation or a decision that you made and not be proud of it.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And it happens to everyone all the time. But it's important to look at that decision and recognize that you were the one who ultimately made that decision.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And we're not looking for reasons why we made that decision. It's not, as you were saying, oh, I did this because you made me do it. Or, oh, like you're the reason that this happened.

SPEAKER_02:

Or don't look outside your body, anyways. If you if you insist on asking why, which people do, we always do. Why, why, why, why, why? Look in. Look in. What's going on internally, what's happening inside, not handing your accountability and your power away to the people around you.

SPEAKER_00:

Because one of the issues we run into is if we're constantly deciding that our actions are not our own, you know, they're not the fault of our own, they're not the selection that we've made, then we're not going to feel one, confident in the decisions that we're making, and two, we're not going to change. Because if every time you slip up or something goes wrong, it never has anything to do with what you're doing. Well, then how are you ever supposed to learn from that situation?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, it's interesting because when we talk about addiction, for example, one of the key indicators of getting through an addiction is previous failure and being able to recognize that, you know, in the past I tried and I failed. It was, you know, through whatever reason was going on internally and moving forward and trying again.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Accountability is a key piece to any type of sustainable change. It's a difference between being a puppet in your own life where you hand over your power to people and they can pull the strings and you react in a way you're not proud of, or being your own puppet master, which is you're in control of how you respond and react. Not easy. We don't talk about easy, not perfect, good lord, not perfect. But really the difference between acknowledging being accountable and keeping your power so that you can change it. It will give you more confidence walking into a space. It will decrease your anxiety. Your anxiety will be used in a productive way. Anxiety is a necessary part of the human existence. It is our fuel source and our power, and it is meant to move us through. So it's important that we use it in a way that it was meant.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, anxiety is uh a signal, as are all of the other feelings that we have. This is, you know, often a combination of excitement and newness and not being sure how to get through something. You know, this is new. And when we look at anxiety, it's not this is scary, this is a problem. It's more this is something new. This is I'm gonna try something, I'm gonna look at this. It may take some practice, it may take some learning, but it is about looking at it as this is a signal that something is making you nervous here. And we're gonna decide what is the action that I'm going to take around this.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and and I really do think that boundaries has a big piece around anxiety because we are gaining control about how we will react when people step over the line. So, Kaylin, you mentioned before that boundaries should be different with different people in your life. You know, I agree with that, maybe not completely different, or maybe more about who you let in a little bit further, or whether or not you step in to have a conversation. If you're uh taking the time to have a hard conversation with somebody you love, I'm going to say do it all the time. And if you're thinking about having a hard conversation with a random stranger, I'd say, how about if we leave that alone? In today's society, we often flip those two around because it seems easier to talk to somebody we're not connected to because we really don't want to hurt them, right? So that's the main reason we don't like conflict. And we need to redefine that in our brain as communication. When you love somebody, it is worth the time to make the time to have the hard conversation. And I will tell you this: if you do not make the time to have the hard conversation up front, you will have to make the time to deal with the mess of not having the hard conversation after. So make that a personal goal or something you're going to do and something you're going to come back and talk about and do it with kindness. And not you did this to me, not this is your fault, but more like, you know, I didn't enjoy our conversation. I recognize it wasn't your intent to do this. This was the impact to me. What was it you were trying to say? And maybe I can give you some tips on what would help. And I can hear everyone going, wait a minute, we're not allowed to do that. That's policing. But of course, you are allowed to communicate your needs to your partners. The difference is that you have to have a plan of what you will do that is respectful when they don't follow that. Does that make sense? I think so.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, you know, one of the things that, you know, I heard you mention conflict.

SPEAKER_03:

Yep.

SPEAKER_00:

And when I hear conflict, one of the things that I think is important to identify is the difference between conflict and aggression and argument. So conflict is sort of a difference of opinion. It's being able to be on two different sides. Now, to have conflict or to be in disagreement with someone isn't necessarily a bad thing. I know for for some people, when they hear the word conflict, they're imagining yelling or frustration or anger trying to get your point across to the other person and them ignoring that point and trying to get their own point across to you. But conflict is one of these things that really it's as you were saying, reframing it to look at it, conflict can be a conversation. And uh making sure that both of you are in a place to be able to listen to that conversation and choosing your words carefully. Because as you were saying, you're right. We're uh not trying to police, we're trying to make change. You know, when you're in a relationship, you're in a unit, you are sort of two things that are more than just each individual person. So when you get into a couple, usually it becomes, you know, a little bit of you, a little bit of them, but also this new piece of the couple, which is why when I look at it and we're trying to explain, you know, shifts and changes, part of what it is, it's just identifying how we like to communicate with one another and as we do with anyone.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. You know, whenever we get overwhelmed, we automatically go back to our standard operating procedure. So it is just something we automatically fall back into. And if you have a partner who's gone out of their way to tell you what they need, pay it, pay, pay attention. And, you know, being kind and caring through the process is an important piece. You know, suggesting that you don't tell somebody you love what it is you need is not at all what we're saying. What we're saying is, is you need a backup plan for when they mess up. And they will. They'll mess up because they're going to treat you or talk to you in a way that is reflective of who they are. You know, you guys fell in love because you're different people. You're not the same person. So you're going to respond and react differently. So as much as we're asking them to change, it's important for us to also understand why they're speaking in that language. So forever ago, there was a book called The Five Love Languages, which we introduced to marriage in marriage counseling. So how people love is very different, and we'll get into that at a different point. But the point of the book wasn't to train your partner into loving you in the way you needed. It was to recognize when they were loving you in the way that they did love you. Right?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

So it is a two two sided, two-sided thing where we ask for differences and we acknowledge and look for differences. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, there is a like differences are a two-way street. You know, part of it is why did they say it in that way? But the other half of it is, why did I hear it? In that way. Good point. And changing the way because uh change is again, as you said, it's a two-way street. We both play a role in communication because as anyone would tell you, there are three truths in any situation. There's my truth, there's your truth, and the actual truth. Because neither of us got it right. So, you know, when communicating and when talking, it's important to build in patience and kindness because the two of you are learning and the two of you are going to make mistakes along the way. So, one of the things that I would always recommend looking at is how would I want this person to respond to me if I overstep their boundary and trying to act in a way that aligns with that when we respond to them. So, what I mean by that is oftentimes, you know, when we get into an argument with someone and we yell at them because we're frustrated or yes, because we're frustrated or something's going on. So we make a decision to get upset with them verbally. Now, if we were on the flip side and they were getting upset with us, we would be very upset, while at the same time expecting them not to be as upset as we were. So what I meant was it's important to be cognizant of how is it that you might respond in this situation so that when you're making a kind choice, you're able to get across the clear point.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and it's again important we don't weaponize that. So I'm always nice to you, and now you're being not nice to me. So that that that won't get it across, you know, and we'll talk about marriage in a different sector, but marriage used to be people believed it's 50-50. That's not the way I train the people I work with. It's your hundred and their hundred. You have to be in 100% all the time, and you do your best to connect. And that doesn't mean that it's perfect, but it does mean that we we try and we work through and we connect. Yeah, so you know, boundaries is about power.

SPEAKER_00:

It is.

SPEAKER_02:

Policing is about exerting control.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, they're very you're right. One is control and one is claiming our own power. That's right. You know, one of the most powerful things we can do isn't controlling someone else's actions, it's choosing the way that we respond in a situation and being able to look back at a situation where maybe we were frustrated or upset, and being proud in the way that we responded and the way that we handled it. And I'm not gonna say it always feels great. You know, there are definitely times I have felt that I would love to be very upset with someone, yeah. And trying never your mother, though. No, of course not, of course not. Angel. But trying to act in a way that aligns with who you are, and there are times when it's really difficult, yeah. And that's the times when we need to push in and we need to try to be that person we want to be as much as we possibly can.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, so my my kids grew up in a house where we had the hepworth family rules. Remember that poster, honey?

SPEAKER_00:

I do.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. One of my favorite lines on there that we had um a good friend of ours drew made it up for us, and it was like, okay, this line definitely has to go on there. And it was character only matters when it's hard to do. And that's the truth. When it is hard, you are going to find out who you are. And how we react through the tough times and how we adapt through the tough times is a reflection of who you are. In today's society, we have confused that yelling at someone is reflective of them, but it is not, it is you, it's always you. The person who opens the mouth and blows the stuff out is the person who is in charge, and you're showing the world who you are. Action, if you think about emotions, like um an iceberg, there's a lot going on under the surface, and action is the interface with the world. So, how we express it, how we define it, how we share it, how we decide, how we want to react when people are not being kind to us, the hardest thing you will do is act with kindness when someone is being unkind to you. It's super easy to yell. In today's world, we have confused volume and strength. And that is not the same.

SPEAKER_00:

So even when people aren't being kind to you, it's our choice to be able to respond in how we're doing it. So, as we've been saying here, it's not about the other person in this situation. And yes, it's not fair that they're acting in that way, and it's not okay that they're choosing those actions, but we still make the choice in how we respond, and that's a reflection about us, regardless of the situation. You know, there are people who can go into a storm and realize and look at it and go, you know, this doesn't have anything to do with me.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So all I can do is approach it with kindness and know that I'm gonna be happy with the decision I made at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, you know, because everywhere you go, there you are. And the power to be proud of yourself allows you to really define your life. So moving forward, this is who I'm going to be and what I'm going to do. And, you know, we're not saying don't speak up for yourself. We're saying do it in a way that you're proud of. And if your emotions are firing too quickly and you can't figure out what it is you want to say, stepping back and deciding, we work with our emotions like there's a deadline on them. I'm going to action it right now. I want to deal with it right now. I don't want to carry it any further. But if you want to inform yourself with what you're doing, you're going to take some time and you're going to assess, hey, what's the most important thing for me to say here? Hey, what's the long-term thing I want? I definitely have a lot of clients who are like, dang it, I thought about it, and then I had the perfect line to say, and I decided not to use it because I felt like it was too late. If you're still carrying that around and this is someone you're connected to, it is always okay to go back.

SPEAKER_00:

Emotions aren't a hot potato.

SPEAKER_02:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

We don't need to throw them away the second they come on. It's really helpful to, for a very short period, sit and think, take a breath, realize what am I feeling?

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

What am I saying? And what am I trying to get them to hear?

SPEAKER_02:

Yep. Yep. So we're we're processing.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

You know, we're not sitting in it stewing and thinking how terrible the other person is. You're also not having the conversation in your head with them that is not productive.

SPEAKER_00:

And it never works, it's always wrong.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it is. It is always wrong. And then you've scripted this perfect response. You go in there, and then your partner says something different. You're like, well, there that goes. I have this whole thing scripted. You know, unless you hand them your lines, um, which that's also very interesting. So I definitely have had clients who've asked their partner to respond in a way. And then when their partner responds in that way, do you know what they do, Caitlin?

SPEAKER_00:

They get upset with them.

SPEAKER_02:

They sure do. They sure do. You're only saying that because I told you to. Uh yeah, yeah, that's right. That's why I'm saying that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I know because it doesn't feel like it's authentic or it's coming from them. But the truth is, is you asked somebody you loved to try something different. They sat on it and decided you were worth the effort for them to do it, and they did it. We do not punish people for doing what we asked them. That would be like grounding your child for being this sweetheart on the playground or coming home with straight A's, and it's like, that's it, kid, or you only got straight A's because I told you to, so you're grounded for a month.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, that's it. You're out on the street.

SPEAKER_02:

That's it.

SPEAKER_00:

I said A minus is.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. So it's really important that, and I think that that boundary and policing comes back in here because we feel like when we tell someone to do something, they better do it. And then when they do do it, then we're pissed that they've done it. And we go back to what we always talk about, right? It doesn't matter what they say or what they do. When you're upset, you're going to see it and hear it in the worst possible way.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So I think that's a good place to look back over the episode and really think: what are the key points for you?

SPEAKER_02:

So for me, boundaries is always the same thing. It's accountability and power, which go hand in hand. It's respectful communication and dialogue. It's learning. It's being introspective. It's about acknowledging mistakes. It's about recognizing. It's about slowing down. How about you?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I uh I agree. I also think like key point in the episode for me would be related to communication. Communication and uh what we're hearing, what we're saying, and when we are setting boundaries, how to do that? You know, the difference between the boundaries in policing and the idea of you know making choices that align with who it is that we want to be.

SPEAKER_02:

Yep. And acknowledging and asking for what it is we would like and making a backup plan, changing that what if to what is. And that's the difference between anxiety, which is useful and helpful, and anxiety which overwhelms and overruns us.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

unknown:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, perfect. Well, that is episode six. It is, it is.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, thank you for listening. So we are looking for feedback and any type of comments. These six were recorded before we started getting comments back. So we will definitely change the ones past here. But uh these ones are pretty settled. So on our website, you will notice that we're also going to have a suggestion box. We'd like to hear from you what it is you'd like us to talk about. Anything else, Callan?

SPEAKER_00:

No, no, just uh you know, thank you, and we we look forward to having you at the next one.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, thanks for listening.

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Elizabeth Hepworth

Host
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Kaelen Hepworth

Host